It’s about how she (he) feels about it

From **Boku no Suki na Hito ga Suki na Hito** by Aoi Sekina, Tsuzura Ryou ©2022

First, a quick instruction. Far East manga read from right to left, the reverse of how the West mostly does it. So, to read the manga above, one starts at the upper right panel, then goes left, then down to the lower right panel, and then goes left.

Though the manga panels address a male stalker, there are also female stalkers. The point is the same either way. In the modern West, the route to love is anything but easy. You see someone in whom you are interested. If you are young enough, you crush on them. How do you arrange to meet the other person, so they feel comfortable with your approach to them? How do you respond appropriately to the other person’s approach if you are the person being approached? This is particularly true if you have little interest in the other person but do not wish to insult them gratuitously.

Modern First World approaches to dating give few guidelines. One usually begins to learn in high school. Sadly, high school is a den of gratuitous insults, put-downs, and soul-destroying rejections. But it is also a den of stalkers who are so focused on themselves that they cannot see the frustration and rejection of those stalked unwillingly. Finally, a small group of people enjoys the triumph of collecting suitors as though they were medals on a military uniform. This final group cannot be classified as stalkers but as predators who enjoy the conquest, with little thought given to permanent commitments. How do you find “true love”? Well, one bit of advice is not to become a stalker.

So, what is a stalker? If you do a dictionary search, you will see enough definitions to learn that the term has several definitions. One I like comes from the Oxford Learner’s Dictionary, which defines a stalker as “a person who follows and watches another person over a long period of time in a way that is annoying or frightening.”¹ This definition includes everything from the romantic stalker to the person who follows a Hollywood star with whom they are obsessed.

Look at the definition of a stalker. Notice that it says it is a person who “follows and watches … over a long period of time.” The definition recognizes that making an initial approach or two to a person is not stalking. After all, how can one know if there is any possibility of a relationship with another person unless one approaches the other person? (I am ignoring those stalkers who go after celebrities.) Nor should the person who is approached automatically overreact. After all, how can one person build a relationship with another without an approach to see if there is interest in these modern times?

The manga strip above gives a good guideline about stalking. Notice the high-school girl’s comments that the boy has been staring at another girl so often that the other girl has become uncomfortable. This now begins to fit the definition of “over a long period of time.” He puts it down to being in love with her. That is precisely what a stalker would say. A stalker views events only through his or her belief that he or she is in love or fated to meet someone or …

The girl responds with a quick and succinct explanation. It is not about you, “It’s about how she feels about it, not your intentions.” When a person begins to think that they can “win” the other person over with sufficient persistence, one has left the area of love and entered the region of obsession. When one has a crush, one must constantly fight this pull into obsession. Sadly, most high school students are unable to do so quickly. High school is the time of long mournful looks and/or sappy poems. It is also a time of acute discomfort for those being stalked.

So, one of the answers to not becoming a stalker is knowing when to give up after an approach or two. So, what is the answer to successfully meeting a love interest? I do not have a good one. Throughout much of human history, some type of arranged marriage was the rule. The modern complete freedom to choose a partner does not have a broad historical background. I do not favor going back to a fully arranged marriage. Those who think arranged marriages would solve the problem of relationships should read Romeo and Juliet and/or some medieval romantic tales. They are full of issues with arranged marriages.

Is there a clear answer in either Scripture or Holy Tradition? No, there is not. Again, the historical approach was arranged marriage. However, the Old Testament also records the utter failure of King David’s first arranged marriage. One could always marry one of the relatives, as did Jacob. The first marriage of Ruth does not appear to be arranged, but the details are not given. The Song of Solomon certainly gives a rather descriptive version of love. It is unclear when the marriage takes place in that book and whether it was arranged. However, it is a romantic love match. The letters of Abelard and Heloise are intense and romantic, yet they never married as she was a nun!

All that is to say that while I cannot give you great counsel on what to do, I can at least give you good counsel on what not to do. Stalking is at the top of the list of what not to do. Know when to give up. When to give up is after one or two tries. Then stop Stop STop STOp STOP.