I have no problem with people who look back at their difficult childhood to realize that they have “turned out fine.” Hindsight sometimes lets one see how even negative experiences can become positive formative parts of one’s character. Steve Jobs, one of the two creators of the original Apple computer was adopted after being abandoned by his birth mother. Edgar Allan Poe’s father deserted his mother very early. His mother died, and Edgar was raised as an orphan. Nelson Mandela was imprisoned for twenty-some years only to become the beloved first President of the post-apartheid South Africa. It should be noted that various in America pilloried him as a terrorist during those times, yet he has ended up, in hindsight, being seen as a true freedom fighter against an evil system.
There are many more stories of those who had horrific backgrounds or engaged in horrific actions only to end up being beloved examples of change. Among us Orthodox, St. Moses the Black is but one such example, let alone the Biblical example of St. Paul, who approved of the murder of St. Stephen. Among almost all Christians, who does not honor John Newton the Anglican clergyman who was the composer of Amazing Grace? Yet John Newton’s early life includes being the mate or captain of various slaver ships. Worse, most of this experience was after he accepted the Anglican form of evangelical Christianity in 1748. Yet, it was not until 1788 that he formally came out against slavery.
But, what you cannot find in any of these people is the desire that they repeat the experiences of their early lives. Rev. Newton, who wrote much of his earlier experiences, did not wish anyone to go through what he did as a servant in a slave-owning household in Africa. Neither Steve Jobs nor Edgar Allan Poe ever wrote about how helpful it would be for others to experience their experiences as adopted children. Rather, Newton writes of his experiences that he deeply repents for “a confession, which … comes too late … It will always be a subject of humiliating reflection to me, that I was once an active instrument in a business at which my heart now shudders.”
The personal lives of the people mentioned thus far are all equivalent in that they did not wish any of their descendants or their friends’ children to go through any of the experiences through which they had passed. If they were the victims, they tried to ensure that those for whom they were responsible would not be victims. If they were perpetrators, then, of course, they did not wish those for whom they were responsible to become perpetrators. Let me add that I have been a refugee, and have lived in an orphanage and a foster home. I would have done and would do many things to ensure that none of our children or grandchildren would ever go through my experiences. I have no desire that any of mine ever experience some of those experiences.
That is to say, my attitude, and I suspect the attitude of those whom I have mentioned above, is that I may have gone through various experiences and those experiences were indeed formative for my life. They helped form me into what I am, both the good and the bad. In many ways, part of my Orthodoxy involves overcoming the bad that I learned. Nevertheless, the fact that “we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose” does not mean either that all things were good to experience nor that all things were what God desired for us. That is simply both bad theology and bad psychology. What it does mean is that the God who loves us and has accepted us is working both to heal us and to ensure that our experiences are usable for the glory of His Kingdom. Just this two weeks ago, I was a supply priest at a parish. There I met a Russian who had emigrated here. When she found out that I had lived in a Communist country and that I knew about the Young Pioneers and their red scarves she became somewhat emotional. Someone else understood; someone else had had her experiences! That was God at work to make sure that “all things work together for good.”
That is what makes the attitude pictured in the memé so terrible. I have heard people waxing poetic about the Great Depression and how people pulled together in the countryside and helped each other out. They fail to notice how thin children look in almost every photograph one sees. They fail to take account of the many hobos riding the rails. They fail to notice the mass exodus from various parts of the USA to other parts of the USA in a desperate hope to find some type of living.
More than that, the attitude pictured in the memé above is an attitude that expresses the idea that it is good for people to suffer. But, neither Scripture nor Holy Tradition says that. Rather, the Litany for Peace at the beginning of the Divine Liturgy pleads with God to allow us to avoid those experiences. The attitude pictured above mistakes suffering, in and of itself, as being able to produce good fruit. But, the Epistle to the Romans pictures experiences as working to the good only for those who “know God and are called according to His purposes.” For those who do not fit that definition, bad experiences are nothing more than bad experiences and often do not produce any good results.
More than that, the initial part of the memé expresses that there are some people who argue that bad experiences are good for character formation. There is nothing in either Scripture or Holy Tradition that says that. Bad experiences are bad experiences, unless and until God intervenes and uses them for our sake. Short of that, any argument for bad experiences is nothing more than a desire to see others suffer as one has suffered. Worse, those who use that argument are doing little more than arguing for not helping others. “Let them suffer,” they appear to be saying. “I should not help them because that would impair their development,” they appear to be saying. Yet, over and over Scripture and Holy Tradition say the exact opposite. Let us help the widow, the poor, the orphan. Let us help them to not have those bad experiences. Let us ensure that they have a reasonable childhood and true opportunities to become productive adults. That is the message of Scripture and Tradition.
Thus, the memé is accurate. If you had a rough childhood and you desire for others to experience the same, as though that would form good character, then you are self-deluded and your character is still warped by your experiences. For you, the world is not fair unless everyone suffers as you suffered. I suggest counseling if you have that attitude.
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