Children, sex, family

A Father Tries to Talk to His 16-Year-Old Daughter About Sex. How does a dad tell his daughter to prioritize her own pleasure? — the title of a podcast on slate.com

When I first saw the title of the podcast above, my first thought was that this had to be a somewhat contrived headline in order to get listeners to the podcast. Not so!

I decided to listen to it but must admit that I did not make it all the way through it. I gave up at the part in which the father talks about the importance of carefully teaching his daughter about sex so that she can, in turn, teach the boys whom she is going to encounter so that she can have enjoyable relations with them. The father states that his assumption is that the boys will not have been properly taught, will have watched porn, and thus his daughter will have to teach them about boundaries and appropriate relations, and even how to properly carry out sex.

I am convinced that this father went overboard with his approach. I am also convinced that he has the wrong moral stance. But, at least he has tried to do what all too many parents fail to do, which is to accurately inform their children in age-appropriate ways. All too often children are left to pass on rumors and bad information between themselves as they reach puberty and high school because parents have put up the “we-don’t-want-to-talk-about-it” sign. Though I must admit that a fair amount of the time the problem is the assumption by teens that their parents know nothing, which begs the question about how the teen ever managed to be born if their parents know nothing useful.

The family is the place where a child should grow up being nurtured toward future marriage or single relationships. It should be the place where they learn about mutual commitment or about celibacy as a life choice. For many of our Orthodox children that life of celibacy may very well take place in a monastery. Having lived in non-family situations when I was a child, I do understand that there is not always a family on which to rely. Nevertheless, it is in the context of a nurturing environment that children should learn the facts of life. And, yes, after a couple is engaged, I do believe that the respective parents should have a very special talk shortly before the wedding, each parent with their child, imparting some final wisdom and information to prevent each new generation from having to learn everything on their own.

The Church also has a place in this, as it does with all of life, as we help to provide the foundations necessary for an appropriate moral response. We need to help our children differentiate between inordinate passions and appropriate passions. For instance–to change subjects for a moment–it is appropriate to feel hungry while it is inordinate to engage in gluttony. In passing, I should note that gluttony seems to be a more pervasive inordinate passion in American culture than almost any other. But, to return to my topic, the Church needs to ensure that parents are taking care of their responsibility in the area of the sexual development of a young person toward adulthood and either marriage or celibacy.

I would suggest to parents that the Song of Solomon may be an appropriate book to read with your older teenaged children at an appropriate time. Yes, I realize that there is an allegory there about the relations between God and his Church. But, as with the Messianic psalms, human relationships are used to look beyond them to a more ultimate relationship. In this case, the human relationships pictured in the Song of Songs give word-pictures of what are appropriate passions in this area. Some of the word-pictures are quite detailed and helpful for the parent who wishes to broach the subject of sexuality in a Biblically appropriate way.

I might also suggest St. Athanasius’ life of St. Anthony the Great to show the struggles through which a person fighting temptation sometimes goes through. St. Augustine’s Confessions are also a good book to show a young man going astray and then working through issues of repentance and recommitment to Our Lord. Many are the lives of celibate saints, which can also be used to teach about the option of purposeful celibacy.

But, here is the important point, parents. Talk to your children in age-appropriate ways. Give your children the details they need–again in age-appropriate ways. Do not fail to answer their questions or skimp on the information because of personal embarrassment. Again, look at the Song of Songs to see what God considers as appropriate details.

Please, please, do not leave it to one of us priests to impart information during pre-marital counseling sessions. I have sometimes received interesting questions that should have been answered by a parent long before the child made it to pre-marital counseling. Parents, answering those questions is your job!