Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen. — 1 Timothy 1:15-17
Saint Paul actually calls himself the protos of all sinners. This is an interesting Greek word to use, given how the Orthodox use it. When more than one priest is together to celebrate a Liturgy, one of them will have the right to lead that celebration. Depending on the circumstances, it could either be the oldest priest or the parish priest. The priest who has the right to lead is the protos. If the local diocesan bishop is there, then he is automatically the protos. But, on Mount Athos, it has an even more specific meaning. The Protos is the title for the chief monk on Mount Athos. He is elected by the communities of Mount Athos and approved by the Patriarch of Constantinople. He has the right to appoint (and depose) abbots, and even the right to wear some patriarchal symbols.
So, when Saint Paul was calling himself the protos of all sinners, he was not simply saying that he was the worst of all sinners. No, he way saying that he was the head of all sinners, the chief example of sinning that existed.
By now, some of you have immediately leaped to Saint Paul’s defense in your mind. You will say that, at worst, he was responsible for the death of only one person. Certainly there are many people who have committed significantly worse sins, and in much larger amounts, than Saint Paul ever did. Why, even Saint Paul himself writes of his pious background and his many years of study of the Scriptures and his descent from a sterling lineage in the tribe of Benjamin. In no way could he be the protos of all sinners. Various writers have attempted to explain what Saint Paul said as simple hyperbole, just like Our Lord Jesus Christ used to use in some of his parables. Others have attempted to discern that Saint Paul was having internal “stress” problems, and have tried to assign him a depressive personality disorder or some other type of disorder.
But, I think that both the defenders and the psychological diagnosticians are missing the point. A priest friend of mine put it simply. Saint Paul’s attitude is the only attitude that any Christian should have. It is the only one that will let us navigate through the shoals of sin with some degree of safety. Any other attitude than that I, myself, am the protos of all sinners will inevitably lead to some type of pride. And, many saints have warned that the worst sin of all is the sin of pride. Saint Gregory the Great described pride as the, “Queen of the vices.” Saint Augustine of Hippo wrote that it is, “the commencement of sin, because it was this that overthrew the devil, from whom arose the origin of sin.” Saint John Cassian said of pride that, “it rightly has no angel, nor other virtues opposed to it, but God Himself as its adversary.” Evagrius of Pontus says it is the “cause of the most grievous fall of the soul.”
The attitude that Saint Paul has is the only one that will protect us from pride. As my priest friend pointed out, any attitude other than that I am the worst of all sinners will inevitably lead to my comparing myself to other people to see where I rank on the scale of sin. And the minute that we begin comparing ourselves with others, we become no different than the Pharisee of whom Jesus said that he went away from his prayer in the Temple not justified. It is all too easy to begin to pray thanking God that we are not like that other person over there, that Publican. And, finally, as my priest friend pointed out, how do you know that you are not the worst of all sinners? After all, we do not know how God’s calculus works. It may be that our many missed opportunities, our many ignorances of those who claim our help, our many evil thoughts, may count for much more than the outward acts of sin that we like to count against others.
So, let us consider ourselves the protos of all sinners, each and every one of us. And let us maintain the Publican’s attitude before God.
“But,” says the World, “what about your self-esteem?”
Personally, my self-esteem is found in the fact that while, yes, I am the first of sinners, I am yet infinitely loved by God the Most Blessed Trinity, one of whom suffered in the flesh, died voluntarily, in order to defeat Satan, sin, and death on my behalf and to restore me to communion with the Divine Persons, granting that I “partake of the Divine Nature”.
An old evangelical pastor once told me (and others) that I should find my identity in only one thing, that I am a son of God by grace.
P.S. (even though, I think, this comment will appear above my first comment):
I didn’t realize that you had been made a deacon (although I may not have been paying attention). Axios! Many years!
I like the KJV translation on this one — “chief” of sinners. It carries both connotations.
Wonderful:) Thank you:)