I must admit that the Geico advert above has been my favorite one so far. I thought of it today when I was talking with a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. This person has been part of AA for over two decades, and has not “slipped” for years. As we were talking, s/he commented that s/he misses the “old” Alcoholics Anonymous. As s/he put it, back then the members would be tough on you. In other words, if you started falling into self-pity on a phone call with your mentor, you would be told things like, “you have 30 seconds to tell me about it, then you get your a** down to the next AA meeting.” I suspect the next step would have been to give you a cup of the famous AA sacrament, hot coffee. Yes, AA coffee and AA tough love attitudes helped many an alcoholic.
But, now s/he comments that AA has fallen into the same attitudes that are so common in much of the USA. Frankly, I do not personally know whether this applies only to the local AA or is a national change. But, my friend comments that now they are supposed to be “sensitive” to each other and to not use “hurtful” language. But, that was precisely the strength of the “old” AA. Tough love and very tough words had been the hallmark of AA. If you stepped into AA, it was–in some ways–like stepping into the US Marine version of discipleship. But, it worked!
Tough love is not the appropriate approach for every situation and every person. But, certainly, it is an appropriate approach in many situations in which it is not used nowadays. I do not wish to imply that I agree with those who mistake unthinking uncalibrated punishment with tough love. Tough love has to be applied with discernment, but where discernment has done its proper work, tough love can certainly work wonders.
Does God use tough love? Hmm, I bet many of you can give many Biblical references that show that God used tough love in both the Old and the New Testament. But, remember, there were also many times when he was quite merciful and “soft.” The trick is to learn the godly wisdom to know when to apply tough love and when not to do so.
I do not work with other alcoholics to fix them. I do it because talking with an alcoholic helps me. Tough love is for professional help. Only. The ‘old way’ has caused many people to either leave or not enter into the rooms. When Bill crossed the hotel lobby. He was not looking for someone to fix. He wanted help for himself.