Two days ago I blogged two posts on spousal abuse and yesterday on people with certain physical conditions. Let me deal first with spousal abuse. In order to set up this post and the next one, let me give you a rather long quote. I ask that you read it carefully. Unfortunately, the original article is no longer available so I cannot post a link to it.
The Orthodox Church views marriage as a holy union between a man and a woman that is established and blessed by God. Marriage therefore is “a bond of a covenant that may not be broken,” according to the words of the sacrament. And yet the Church, for certain grave reasons, permits divorce and remarriage. This seemingly paradoxical position arises out of, on the one hand, respect for biblical teaching and, on the other, compassionate concern for human weakness…because of human frailty, not all people can uphold the ideal of the permanency of marriage. And the radical principles of the Sermon on the Mount must ultimately be interpreted in the light of the Gospel, not law. In cases of moral failure, the Gospel requires that we respond to people with compassion and forgiveness, not judgment and condemnation… According to the Gospel of Matthew, divorce can occur for reasons of “unchastity” (porneia, literally “fornication”), probably referring to sexual misconduct (Mt 5:32; 19:9). Similarly, though St. Paul mentions the standard of Christ’s strict teaching about marriage, nevertheless he accommodates his pastoral instructions to human weakness, including the possibility of separation and divorce (1 Cor 7:10-15)…In this spirit, the Orthodox Church has developed the principle of “economy” ( oikonomia, meaning “flexibility”), by which it permits divorce and subsequent remarriage. But it does so only in the context of individual pastoral guidance, and for grave reasons such as abandonment, permanent insanity, adultery, forcing the spouse into prostitution, or endangering the life of the spouse. In such cases, it is not that the Church “dissolves” a marriage by granting a divorce, but rather that the Church officially acknowledges and certifies that a marriage has already tragically failed…. The Church acts by God’s mercy to recognize the failed marriage and to allow the possibility of another in order to forestall worse moral consequences….
Notice that the Church has a “compassionate concern for human weakness.” Unlike the Roman Catholic Church our canons are not law rather they are guidelines. As I have said before on this blog, there is a difference between “nomos” and “kanon” the two words used in Greek to mean law and canon. A canon is a rule that ought not to be lightly placed aside, but it is not a law. A bishop can grant an exception to a canon, and that exception is under the concept of oikonomia.
When we look at Christ’s words we see that he also exercised oikonomia. In fact, he said directly that marriages are not to be broken and then immediately added an oikonomia phrase, except for adultery. Saint Paul writing to the Corinthians reinforces what Jesus said and promptly adds his own additional oikonomia, except for abandonment. In the same way, the Church has at various times and in various places chosen to exercise oikonomia as needed to deal with new challenges as they have arisen. In every case, however, it has been for grave reason. Nevertheless, notice that one of the reasons listed as an almost automatic is “endangering the life of the spouse.”
In other words, the Orthodox Church is on the side of the physically abused spouse. More than that, the Church is willing to go even farther, depending on the circumstances. As it says in the article, “it is not that the Church dissolves a marriage . . . but rather that the Church officially acknowledges and certifies that a marriage has already tragically failed.” I have personally had the experience of driving an abused woman to a pickup point, from which she was taken to a shelter. Why a pickup point? So that even I would not know where she was should her husband try to convince me to give him the address. Why was I so careful? Because a pastor who is a friend of mine had the experience of having an enraged husband come to his house, tear out his phone, and chase him to try to beat the location of the wife out of him.
Let me make it clear in this post that the Orthodox Church will not in any way “punish” the spouse who has been physically abused. Rather, she will support that spouse as necessary. The abusing spouse will be given the opportunity to repent. The Church will always give a sinner the opportunity to repent. But, the abused spouse can rest secure that the Church will not insist that he/she needs to remain in the same domicile with the person who is committing the physical abuse unless and until their life is clearly no longer in danger. And if the damage is so severe that the abused spouse can no longer live in the same home, then the Church will exercise its oikonomia and declare the tragic failure of the marriage.
Thank you for sharing this information with me. I have a friend who is planning on leaving her spouse. His abuse has escalated from verbal to rape. She says she is trying to keep the peace until she gets financially stable in order to support herself. Then she will leave. I am trying to talk her out of that notion and to get out now. Her counselor is working in the same direction.
She is evangelical and the guidance received over the years has only fueled her guilt that she has not ‘saved’ her husband by her prayers and staying in the marriage.
I will keep this info handy to share with her to let her know there is a safe place where she will not be judged.
i dont know exactly why my mother was unable/unwilling to leave my father..God knows she had ample reasons..i remember thinking as a child “why doesnt someone DO something and help us”..they knew…now as adults all 6 of us siblings suffer the consequences of an abusive alcoholic father and neighbors who chose not to get involved..
The most dangerous time for a physically abused spouse is when that spouse is in the process of leaving the abuser. As a result, the best advice is to leave without warning. The act of losing control over the spouse tends to trigger the abuser and can lead to homicidal violence. Again, let me repeat, as a result the best advice is to leave without warning and go to a shelter that can see one through the process.
Too many abused spouses are what is called “co-dependent” and thus find it hard to leave the abusing spouse. Add to that the fact that too often pastors try to downplay the abuse and convince the abused spouse to stay and work it through and one has a recipe for incipient disaster.
I am so happy that the Orthodox Church considers endangering the life of a spouse to be one of the grave reasons. It gives me the grounds to protect the abused spouse and tell that spouse to GET OUT NOW. There may be reconciliation in the future, but not while the abused spouse lives within physical reach of the abuser.
What would you say to a husband that insists that the Bible gives him the right to be controlling and abusive to his wife, by insisting that she’s not being submissive enough and thereby disrespecting him everytime she opens her mouth or whenever she cannot cater to his every need?
Easy, I would point to Jesus’ words to his apostles. He told them that the Gentiles love to lord it over people but that they were to be different and to serve people.